things to be grateful for:

the autumn leaves are really yellow and crisp because we've had no real rain
laura cooks amazing roast dinners
the girls at 9qmt have really looked after the yard and grew raspberries
new and old friends alike listened to me and helped me clarify how i feel -stella, david, laura, holly, george, tom
i really enjoyed presenting on friday and it's made me feel really ready to start writing my thesis
i am really looking forward to christmas with all the colemans (including the future mrs one)
i feel really lucky to have two sisters now who get in touch when i need them
i am looking forward to visiting the netherlands in two weeks

i bet he would hate that i have written this

Joni Mitchell and James Blake can say it better than I can. I haven’t found how to articulate it in glasses of red wine this weekend either and I’ve tried. My friends have been amazing. Such a wonderful circle of support. They really are a ray of sunshine in all of this politics, recession, personal sadness. Who doesn't need roast chicken? lots of cuddles? a sofa to crash on?

A saving grace of this week, I think, is that I was able to tell Ivan exactly how I feel. I have always tried to be totally uncompromisingly honest. To say I don’t know when I don’t, to say I love you even if it makes him uncomfortable, to show upset or anger. I miss him. And yet I can’t see a future together. Despite all our similarities, and our often eerie connection, I think we are set to have different lives.

He was very dignified, telling me his feeling won’t change quickly, that he will still want to see me in May when he is in ‘Europe’ even if I decide not to travel after Christmas, and that I should take my time before any decision. I also today felt I truly heard how he feels about me. I need reassurance, he doesn’t. He just doesn't want to fight, and I've been goading him. He keeps saying his feeling don’t ebb and flow. Mine don’t either, but I do feel that my thoughts about what I want from the next few years are growing, and coming into view stronger. I imagine myself, a childless cynical spinster regretting all this. Perhaps I am just secretly annoyed that this redundancy hasn't led him to say he will move to England. But I am not willing to drop my dreams to be an academic, to travel, to spend quality time with my grandma in her last years, to accept my life as one where I rely on him for so much financial and emotional support. Political differences, or aspirations, or personality traits that would normally be so slight grow messy and strong with a recession, and these thousands of miles distance. What started as a phone call about my dates to fly to visit has become   -  I’m not even sure what just yet. A very sad and unproductive weekend.

Reasons to be cheerful

Today I’m listening to Blue Rodeo. Somehow, having made the decision to book flights to Canada after Christmas, it feels OK to listen to ‘Hasn’t hit me yet’ and so forth. It all sounds quite fresh again. I think you could probably learn quite a lot about my mood through the music I listen to. Last week I  listened to James Blake. That’s not a good sign.Here is the song I'm enjoying.

I want to tell you about the boy in Canada, and the strange week he’s had but I fear I have already said too much. He’s not one for facebook. And the only thing I found when I googled his name was a photo of him winning an award and a short film he had cameoed in and directed. I’m not sure he wants to be blogged about, so even online he remains in the margins of my life right now. It’s lucky those margins are big spaces. Let’s just say that he’s amazing and I hope we can go to the mountains, be silly, and enjoy some regular life together (even for a few weeks in January). I can't wait to see Marie either. Hope she doesn't return to Frenchie-ville (yeah that's Paris) in that period.

I went to the student advice centre at the university today. Reb’s Mum received a letter from a landlord (who I won’t name) saying she owed money. She doesn’t owe money and hasn’t lived in the house for several years. Several of her friends have received letters. There seems to be a pattern emerging. There is nothing that the student union can do. Reb is no longer a student. And the advice centre can no longer have a blacklist of landlords because these landlords sue them for defamation. I find this really sad. We’re in such a culture of litigation. But regardless, if you or your friends receive a letter, make sure you query it. And perhaps warn your parents (if they were guarantors) that this is going on, as they are receiving letters, and not tenants. My parents have never been a guarantor since I was a student. Why should they be when I am an adult living in my own house?

It was lovely to see Reb. She’s so creative, cheerful and wonderful. I should tell you she is performing at the Templeworks on Friday night with her puppets! How amazing (plug plug). Join me in the audience if you want – it’s haunted house themed.

I’m struggling to concentrate on one thing today. Too much flying around in my head. Feeling quite happy though. It’s a sunny day.

Things I am enjoying right now:

·  Thick cappuccino foam at the Hidden Cafe

·  Stella and Hugh got jobs! They’re so clever

·  We saw Thomas Truax and his crazy invented instruments last night. I will post photos soon

·  Working late – I’ve just accepted that this has to happen and it’s OK that I don’t get to the university until the middle of the morning

·  I read an assertiveness book at the weekend and it’s left me feeling in loads more control of my life

·  Autumn light and seasonal food – who doesn’t love squashes?

·  Getting compliments about the dress I’m wearing today! It feels worth not cycling in order to wear it ;)

·  It’s now cold enough for gloves and hats to feel like an accessory, but not yet totally essential!

·  Sitting close to my electric fire on my sheepskin rug.

Last week was very very busy so I didn't write. I worked long hours and felt too miserable to write. Lack of sun definitely wasn't helping. A spat about a phone conversation took nearly a week to resolve because of time zones, tiredness and busy-ness. None of that is good. The conclusions seem to be that we think about the relationship, and love in general, in different ways.

Today it's sunny and I am once again transcribing. I am in a tidying mood (for once) and will take things home later from the office, perhaps in a taxi because some of the stuff is pretty heavy including a metal filing box. I have my office mate back and he's chipper after his holidays.

Good things happened last week, really. My new friend came round for dinner on Tuesday. I cooked pasta and she gave me really helpful advice about how to deal with a situation that was troubling me. We also voted in two new Ladybird directors on Monday. Tammy and Rich. The four that stood would all have done an ace job. I love the Ladybird Project.

Tammy has a really exciting idea about how to run a time share scheme in our area, to try  to encourage people to do lovely and helpful things for others in return for others doing lovely things for them. I think this is great. Especially because right now we don't always allocate money on things evenly - for example if a friend cuts your hair you might pay her, but if she cooked you dinner you wouldn't!

Other highlights were spending the afternoon with my sister. We went together to the LSE lecture in which the Canadian Natural Resources Minister tried to tell an audience of ex pat Canadians, investors and activists, not to mention a couple of LSE students, that oil sands is reliable, secure and environmentally friendly. His calls for 'Europe to do their homework' were not well received on the whole by the audience. It was well reported in the Canadian press that he is in Europe to lobby the EU not to go ahead with its Fuel Quality Directive, which would exclude oil sands from the EU market. People and Planet and No Tar Sands Network gave him a certificate for 'Greenwash Propogandist of the year' and he looked surprised by some of the questions. The event ended short when the chair lost control and people started asking questions about the community and environmental issues all at the same time. It was interesting to remember UK and Alberta differences.

I spent the weekend at home with my parents and grandparents. I've never had time with them on their own before, but it was really nice. I got spoilt a lot: new socks, new tights, a new knitted cushion and scarf from Mum, lots of apple desserts made from apples from the garden and a trifle! Also, the weather was notably sunnier and warmer down south. Bliss!

Another good thing happened last week. The man at the council in charge of my area is going to meet me for tea and a walk about so I can show him all the issues we have in Hyde Park with rubbish, litter, broken glass and the 'social imbalance' caused by mostly students living in one area. He seems to really want to have local input, which is great. This is in contrast with those running the Hyde Park neighbourhood improvement plan. People I know who attended the 'steering' meeting have complained that there are not enough people on the committee who live in the area. When I asked the council about whether residents can attend, I was told that we would be engaged once the plan was drafted. It's funny when your own life starts to imitate your research.

This week I've still got loads of work to do. I'm planning on drinking lots of coffee, seeing my friend tonight and going to see a musician tomorrow night. My friends are excited about him; I've never heard of him. I'll keep you posted.

Allotments

I took these photos on a recent trip to Norfolk with my parents and sister. It was in a community allotment garden. I have wanted an allotment of my own for some time. I got the opportunity to have one on the park some years ago, but I got the call to say I was finally at the top of the waiting list during the week my ex and I split up. Having no where to live was my biggest concern, and I lost out on the allotment. So it's exciting now to hear that  two friends and I can adopt one soon. My job will just be turn up and work hard, the others are willing to plan and manage. Hopefully next fall we'll have flowers and pumpkins as beautiful as these.

girly clothes swap night

So we had the clothes swap. And it was a total hoot. There were piles of no longer loved things. Hippy blouses, short dresses, jeans that bums don't fit in any more, lots of things from free shops and charity shops that were just never quite right... We ate hummous, lovely daal that Amelia made, and tried on lots of clothes. What is particularly joyous is how some things that people hate just look so much better on another body, or with someone else's style. My monochrome stuff seemed to go to Alis, willowy and with such dark eyes and hair, and my patterned stuff seemed to go to Tammy, who is strawberry blonde and pale eyes. Today I am wearing my new orange-red beret and new wooly tunic, in Autumn teal, brown and orange with lovely patterned buttons on the shoulders. I had to be persuaded to take it, but I absolutely love it. I seemed to take a bit of Stella's, a bit of Reb's, and a bit of Amelia's...Trying things on this morning, slightly too big trousers, slightly too puffy sleeves I was a bit less convinced about all my choices... Still it was lovely to all get together and be incredibly girly, and naturally not have to spend any money... Best thing I took home? My new man, who drums, has a long neck and is ceramic. I always go for those that find it hard to show emotion, and he is definitely no exception. He is Reb's Mum's beautiful creation, and is going to hang on my green wall.

Thinking about the community

Today I finally got round to emailing Leeds Council to ask could me and T be added to the mailing lists for the stakeholder meetings for Hyde Park. Given that T wrote the deputation that triggered the meetings in the first place and (allegedly £9,000) Plan, it seems a bit careless. I imagine that the council is saying 'O look they make a fuss and then no one bothers to show up to [work day time tabled] meetings....' Why events that involve the community can't be timetabled at times when people don't work is beyond me.

So it's official, I have become one of those old moany stakeholder people.

I attended a Royal Park meeting this week. I haven't been for some time, on account of being busy, away or just feeling stressed about the cooptation, and lack of care that the Big Society brings. The meeting this week was to talk about alternative scenarios for the building. It seems (to my cyncial self) likely that the glorious grandeur will be knocked down. 'Cleared' is the professionals' word. Bulldozed. I know there was talk of some people chaining themselves up. I don't know if anyone feels like that now. My thoughts are that if the school site can be used to maximise community benefit (and that must include the whole community, so no night club or faith school) then that might be better than letting the building deteriate.

It's very dark in Leeds today and I want to get a sad light with a radio to wake me up. Any suggestions? I think the today programme plus bright fake sunlight would do me some good. I was a much earlier riser in Canada, thanks to the beaming sun that would flood my room.

Greek food, The Story of O and little else...

Last night I went to have dinner with one of my dearest in Headingley. We went to the Olive Tree, with a livingsocial deal. The food was pretty good - veggie moussaka, feta  and spinach pie (we shared) hummus and chocolate fudge cake! It was all yummy and solid, although the pastry was a bit chewy, but I dunno - I'm not sure it was quite good enough for forty quid, without alcohol. Perhaps having a gormet housemate spoils me, it was not a scratch on the five course thanksgiving dinner and pumpkin cocktails from Monday night. The company on Tuesday night was the best bit though, it was nice to have a proper catch up, although I think the servers were a bit fed up of us just sitting around and not eating by the end of the meal... I miss living with that boy...

This morning I went to a new hairdressers - The Story of O. He (I think he's called Dave) was pretty appalled by the length of my hair. It was out of shape. His salon is lovely, full of vintage furniture and wallpaper and he made a good coffee. He was friendly, did all the washing and cutting himself, and didn't attempt to cut or colour someone else's hair simultaneously, like the last time I went to have my hair cut at Shrine in Headingley. In that place, the stylist ignored me, cut so little hair and made me feel grumpy. No one noticed it was even cut. This guy, however, seemed to have a point to prove. He cut huge amounts out (I'm not sure if this was a bit excessive as it's now shorter) and gave me a deep fringe (not what we'd discussed but he seemed to just go for it....) I'm not sure about the overall effect....

Everything else is too boring to discuss right now, just transcripts and layers of office politics. I'm staying out of it.

having a bad day

i'm in a foul mood. is this caused by:

a. the grey, grim-up-North weather. this has taken me by surprise. we have had sunny bikini weather lately. now i must wear a raincoat to cycle to work, and grey tights
b. the fact that my chipper office mate is having two weeks all inclusive in the sun and so not around to share coffee and natter with between transcripts
c. it's just that period in my work and i hope never to see another audio file for transcribing every again
d. something else....?

my friend and my sister called me during the day, which would normally be a delightful excuse to stop work but i could not answer fully or happily to any of the questions about: transcripts, training, my paper, my new year plans, my life plans... o dear...!

things also seem particularly bleak after the transatlantic weekend phone chats with the boy on such topics as: the difficulties of communicating love, where will we be in a year's time, how will we live and most crucially and worryingly where, and when we will next see each other...

my year seems incredibly time pressured and the outcome unknown.

my glum mood might be triggered by the lack of food i've eaten today. i'm rushing home early to enjoy canadian thanksgiving with my housemates and some of their friends. all five courses. that's pumpkin pie two days in a row... but shhh. don't tell anyone. this should resume my sunny mood.

things to look forward to this week: dinner out on tuesday to a greek place, yoga on wednesday and then a quick trip to the pub to celebrate a birthday, clothes swap with the girls on thursday. i must sort out what i will take... i don't think any one will want the furry all in one suit i found in a bin last hyde park christmas.

first post - how exciting!

So here is my first post. It's pretty daunting. I want this blog to be as frank and open as you can possibly be online. I want it to reflect my life, to discuss things that I am thinking about and to help me be better at keeping those I love up to date.
Here goes, C x